I don't even bat an eyelid when I heard the words, almost as if, despite knowing everything that I know, I had expected this. He waited, propping himself up on his elbow, his eyes burning into my back as he searched for a reaction. I continue to gaze unflinchingly in a distance, making it seem as if I'm considering the question, though I already know the answer.
"No." A female voice, firm and quiet, replies. I recognise it's mine, and realise that I'd spoken up, unexpectedly. "You have a girlfriend. I won't marry you," I continued.
A draft brushed my face as he shifted back when he heard my reply. I felt my heart start drifting away from the warmth and comfort of the room. There's nothing left to say now, the words he needed to hear were spoken. I resume my daydream, while my friends around us remain oblivious to what transpired.
"I'll take care of it," he whispered softly, as if to reassure himself more than to convince me that we should be together. I flinch at the sadness that pricks me at those words, questioning if my happiness was worth someone else's sorrow. I don't know if I could live with that, even though these things probably happened more often than I could imagine.
As I listened to my thoughts, I turn over slowly, half-hoping that he meant every word, half-expecting it to be someone else. He remained completely still, his jaw clenched in concentration, eyes staring at nothing in particular. He was already deep in thought, and I imagined he was planning something grand to prove his affection for me, even though there was no need for him to do so. I stared at him in admiration, wondering what I'd done to deserve this.
Then, in contrast to the distance I'd put between us with my reply, I shift myself closer to him, so that our heads are side-by-side. I leaned towards him, half sympathising with his predicament, half delighted at his gallantry, his wanting to do right by me. He accepted my slient admiration and leaned towards me, our heads touching, our eyes staring at some distance, both deep in thought.
We were one, in mind and heart, I consoled myself, and even if we couldn't be with one another in person, we would have that connection that couldn't be broken for now. We lay there, and eventually our eyes grew heavy with sleep, our thoughts droning out the noise around us. A veil of bliss seemed to float from above, covering use completely as we slipped into slumber. It was complete, and infinite. No more words were needed.
nooneunoe @ 23:33 |
From where I lay, the large bedroom was white and fluffy. The carpet was a pale beige and the sheets and cushions were white and cream tones. Keeping with the colour of the room, everyone was dressed in white too. Boys, girls - it didn't matter. They were my friends. Some huddled in front of the telly, playing video games while others cheered on. Some sat at the edge of the king-sized bed, which took up most of the room, chatting, laughing, teasing. The entire room had a sense of calm and comfort like nothing I'd ever known in my life. For a minute, if there ever was a heaven for me, I felt that this would be it.
I watched the different cliques lying on the bed in the middle of the room, and was filled with a sense of contentment and peace. Everyone I loved and cared about was here with me. In every sense of the word(s), there was no other place I cared to be.
After a good few minutes, I became aware that someone was lying down next to me. I looked myself over for the first time, I saw that I was dressed in white, as was my companion, as if this were an all-white slumber party. When I realised who it was beside me, I relaxed even more, never imagining that one could ever experience such immeasurable comfort.
We lay there in silence, him and me, while everyone played and chatted around us. Suddenly, as a memory crept into my mind, the world started to close in on us, or on me at least. I knew that even though he lay beside me, and we were so comfortable being that way, we could never be together. Somehow, I knew that he cared for someone else, and someone else cared for him longer than I'd known him. But now, I knew he cared for me too, and for now, that was enough. Because I knew it was just the beginning of such a friendship. And because it felt so right. There was nothing to taint it, and we held each other in our hearts, with genuine concern and the purest love. We had accepted our places in each other's lives unquestioningly. I felt a tug at my heart as I gradually resigned myself to that fate.
But none of that mattered for now. He was here, and we were together, and we were sharing this moment.
While lying there, feeling everything I felt, and knowing everything I knew, I thought I'd drift off into a nap. I turned on my side, away from him, and curled my arm under my head. Almost as soon as I settled in to continue my thoughts, I felt him shift beside me.
Then, a deep voice, clear and precise but soft with emotion, whispered in my ear: "Marry me."...
nooneunoe @ 16:30 |
Underutilised - that's a word no one needs to hear these days, and
if possible, never in their whole lives. Unless its in reference to an
old gadget, or a pair of shoes which has been sitting in the closet for
two years, or nail polish.
But used in a the context of a
person's capacity at work, when that person wasn't given the
opportunity to be everything they aspire to be, that just brings bias and
unfairness to a whole other level.
nooneunoe @ 23:07 |
Don't hold on but don't let go
Isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genuis to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here, lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over someday
No it doesn't mean their off the shelf
because pain is built to last
Don't hold on but don't let go
You've got to try to trust yourself
nooneunoe @ 00:00 |
Butterflies and Hurricanes
This entry has taken a while to come through, but I'm glad it finally did - perhaps my most honest moment yet.
23.03.08 - Good Friday
I can't even begin to describe this weekend. It's been a tremendous semi-religious, semi-humanitarian awakening for me.
Firstly, I didn't get to sleep till 6plus in the morning, just catching up on movies I'd loaded to keep myself busy through the Good Friday weekend. Turns out one of them was based on the true story of Khalid El-Masir.
Then, I watched National Geographic's Inside Edition on Jerusalem, the holiest place in the world, with the biggest conflict as three religions struggle to live beside one another.
Apart from the religious undertones, I was reminded on how much I've always wanted to be a part of NG. To touch people with one image, to tell a story that the whole world could understand, to show the world that its a whole lot bigger than you could ever imagine, this world that we belong to, that we thrive on, that we need in order to exist.
If people could just leave their ego and pride aside, and work together for a better future, it would be amazing what we would accomplish. This might sound like something from some politician speech some place, but words are just words, until you understand the immensity of them.
Sadly, for now, the impossibility of accomplishing such a feat stares us in the face every single day. It's not just religious discrimination and discord, its racial, gender, sexuality, and a host of others. Its incredible that we've existed so long with all these trivial issues at hand.
<Eight months later: 28.11.08>
I just picked up a book written by Canadian actress, Mia Kirshner, who plays borderline-psychopathic emo-chick Jenny Schecter in a favourite series of mine, The L Word. In contrast to the whiny self-pitying writer that she portrayed in the series, she came across as a strong realist writer in her first book/graphic novella, I Live Here. I'd only learnt about the book the day before, and it was only because I came across a site which challenged the conventional definition of feminine beauty: SuicideGirls.
To the reader, the books achieved everything it set out to achieve. It kept me riveted for hours, and if I didn't have to wake in the morning and fumble through another day at work, I'd have gladly stayed up and completed all four. Words were not fancy, which added to the realism of it all. Grammer, punctuation, phrasing flow - none of that mattered. All that came through were the stories that wrenched and gutted your insides, till you're overwhelmed with such immense sadness, disgust and embarrassment all at the same time, you don't know where to put your head.
I only wish there were more that I could do, instead of keeping this to myself and my faithful readers (yes, all two of you..) and help tell the stories that need to be told. Not the ones that everyone wants to hear, but the ones that need a voice.
nooneunoe @ 22:34 |
Scribbles on the wall
"It's a beautiful lie,
It's a perfect denial,
Such a beautiful lie to believe in,
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me"